As many adventures do this started with a search for un chica que no habla Ingles para practicar Espanol. Early on there were warning signs, after recieving the no uncommon request over the ever ubiquitous WhatsApp "Send a video message speaking English and waving to my mom", I assume the girl is securing a babysitter through the magic of showing that gringos really do exist.1 Unfortunately they had other ideas.
I arrive at the Tres Cruces Bus Terminal and Shopping Mall a fashionable 15 minutes late, only to be informed my date will be 45 minutes late. Given the delay and my recent rereading I decide to case the joint for points of egress in case my worst fear at the time, that the girl was a secret internet fatty, was realized.
Instead there was a more disturbing surprise. The girl's mother arrived with her granson in tow and the girl I intended to meet/meat was merely incidentally there. The Dominican girl actually looked better than I inferred from her fotos, but the presence of her mom completely negated that. I leaned on my super power of "Yo entiendo mas que yo hablo" and while the mother was speaking too freely, I looked at the vast gulf between the two women's appearances and the ravages age wrought on the mother. Thusly I concluded the presently cute girl would become hideous beyond local standards within a mere 18 months.
I only had to play stupid for 3 minutes as mom gloated about their great fortune when opportunity arrived. The mother became enamoured with the idea of sitting 5 minutes in a coin operated massage chair for 30 pesos, and the mother and daughter made a tremendous show of not finding their peso coins.2
At that point fully aware that asciilifeform's scent theory was confirmed, I helpfully handed over 3 pesos. Y entonces:
Donde Esta el baÃ±o?
Gringo makes a show of looking around curiously, spots sign and points
Ah, allÃ! Me voy! *thumbsup*
Y entonces a daring escape ensues. The predators were uncumbered by their footwear, an infant, and the pesos already sunk into the coin operated massage chair. I had the priviledge of superior footwear. After turning into the hallway that leads stairs that lead to the baÃ±o or the parking garage, I went down to the garage and exited the mall with 1 minute and 45 seconds remaining on the chair. I walked a few blocks, blocking lines of communication along the way, and hired a car to return my body to more familiar portions of the city.
The rest of the night before bedtime was spent walking just myself and my priviledge ogling girls, terrorizing adolescent males with my presence, and pondering the process of cannabis induced cultural ossification.
- Note that you should never send a Latina a dick pic because her mother has certainly seen bigger, more impressive, etc. [↩]
- Forget the sock full of quarters improvised weapon. You really want a sock full of Uruguayan 10 peso coins. They also accumulate faster than quarters. [↩]