Your serial fanfiction journey has been interrupted to bring information to the people so that they may bring greater social equality to their collective home lawns.
- Fertilizing a collective lawn with nitrogen is forbidden as it encourages upwards growth in lawn grasses. Some blades of grass may grow more upwards than their neighbors and this deviant behavior must not be encouraged through nitrogen feedings.
- Fertilizing a collective lawn with phosporous and potassium is encouraged. A fertilizer regimen balanced entirely towards phosphorus and potassium corrects the historical priviledge which has favored grasses over other plants in the lawn.
- The only permitted grass seed is common bermudagrass1 as its west African origin makes it maximally unpriviledged. Bermudagrass is to especially be sewn in temperate and northern latitudes where it is maximally disadvantaged. So called "improved" varieties of bermudagrass are forbidden as they are oppressive attempts to suppress the natural cultural attributes of bermudagrass.
- In wet subtropical and tropical latitudes where common bermudagrass might be discovered to be relatively advantaged Xeriscaping with groundcovers disadvantaged by their inability to tolerate foot traffic or completely cover ground. These disabilities which prevent these groundcovers from completely living up to their names will be celebrated until Xeriscaping works!
- Arid subtropical and tropical latitudes are to be reserved for resettlement by once priviledged Bluegrasses, Fescues, and Ryegrass sods in that order as it represents their former priviledges. By laboring in drought to provide less priviledged grasses opportunity in better climates these grasses may make eternal reparations for their past unequalism.
- As the most priviledged grass of all Zoysia, particularly the "Emerald" Cultivar must be corrected with periodic applications of glyphosate as it makes other grasses feel very body unpositive.
- Commonly slandered by elitist pigs as "lawn cancer" [↩]